Neil Nathan:
The TVD First Date

Hello Vinyl Loving Humanoids,

You may call me The Overlord. I come from a star system you call Sirius, The Dog Star, in the constellation Virgo. And this is not the first time I’ve been to your lovely little planet. I am a messenger, and as Marlon Brando put it in one of my favorite films of yours, Apocalypse Now, I am also an errand boy sent by grocery clerks. The truth is I’m simply carrying out orders from a general who’s been cleverly pulling the strings here on Earth since you Homo Sapiens were first designed by us, so many years ago.

This time, my charge is to usher in the next phase of your species’ evolution. Or should I say revolution? They are very closely intertwined as you’ll see. But let me be very clear, this is not a physical transformation of which I speak; the kind mentioned in Arthur C. Clarke’s Childhood’s End or David Bowie’s lucid cocaine fueled romp Oh You Pretty Things. I am talking about a conscious evolution, the kind that all advanced species must embrace if they are to live long and truly prosper.

I have played this role millions of times before, in millions of solar systems across this galaxy. But I a plan to have an immense amount of fun this time. Largely because I just love your rock and roll music. Specifically that of T-Rex, Queen, The Stooges, Lou Reed, Cheap Trick, David Bowie, and Guided By Voices (by the way, those voices have often been my fellow custodial rulers and I having a good laugh while Bob Pollard drinks himself into a stupor).

On this, my most recent trip to your little backwoods corner of The Milky Way, I came across a strange object you call Voyager. My ship immediately intercepted it and as I unwrapped the goodies inside, I found it….a gorgeous golden record.

It seems your species mistakenly, albeit tastefully, assumed the entire universe was filled with vinyl lovers! And when I followed the instructions enclosed, and built my own record player to spin this golden vinyl disc, I was horrified by the unforgivably underrepresented rock n’ roll genre. Perhaps your two greatest cultural achievements as a species are the vinyl record and the power of your rock n’ roll music to move your bodies as well as your minds.

And yet somehow, for decades, you had all but abandoned the former as you raced towards your next date with some newfangled portable digital technology which totally lacked the aforementioned’s warmth and fidelity. Yes that’s right, you have foolishly spent decades operating under the fallacy that new technology equals evolution. My friends, as any truly advanced species will tell you, that is simply not always the case. That said, I am slightly emboldened by your recent re-embrace of vinyl as the pinnacle of audiophilia and good taste.

So…how are you going to correct this gross misrepresentation of the greatest hits your species has to offer? I’ll tell you what you’re going to do. You’re going to petition some of these newfangled space freight corporations, who have taken the baton from your feeble minded NASA, to send a new golden record into the ethers and fill it with some serious soul shaking revolution rock. As an important member of the intergalactic listening community, I command it.

The first astounding rock n’ roll accomplishment to be included will be the title track of the new LP by the agile band of Earthlings that I front, Neil Nathan Inc. It’s called Sweep The Nation. And because I am a fair and just custodial ruler, I bequeath it to you for free here. In addition, I hereby grant you the right to decide what other Earth songs are worthy enough of alien ears to be included on Intergalactic Gold Record 2.0.

Do the evolution my friends.

All Hail The Overlord
All Hail Woman and Mankind

Neil Nathan Official | Facebook | Twitter

This entry was posted in The TVD Storefront. Bookmark the permalink. Trackbacks are closed, but you can post a comment.