How is it that an album containing both 1974 bubblegum classics “The Night Chicago Died” and that same year’s shlock anti-war anthem “Billy Don’t Be a Hero” makes for such an unlistenable listen? I’m talking about Paper Lace’s 1974 And Other Bits of Material, which would have inspired passengers on the Hindenburg to cheer when then airship exploded—a fiery death would have been infinitely preferable to listening to Paper Lace’s treacly cover of Les Paul and and Mary Ford’s jazzy 1953 hit “Bye Bye Blues.”
That “how” has an easy answer—like virtually every other bubblegum (or pseudo-bubblegum) act of the era, Paper Lace was looking for that one big score, and like virtually every other such band of the era, full-length LPs tended to be filler-packed afterthoughts—life-support systems for that overnight sensation. As it is, Paper Lace scored a pair of big ones, which raises the ghastly possibility that And Other Bits of Material might have been only half as good.
“The Night Chicago Died” is conspicuous by its absence from the 2001 book Bubblegum Music Is the Naked Truth, perhaps because it isn’t Simple Simon enough—it’s hard to blow bubbles to a song about mob boss Al Capone and 1929’s St. Valentine’s Massacre. But it was manna to kids like me—fun, catchy, and above it all made history fun. Sure, Paper Lace couldn’t get their facts straight (100 cops killed? Make that zero cops!), but it’s not as if they were under oath. Besides, who cared? Fuck the facts! Fuck history for that matter!
The bottom line was the damn song was a pop epic. That chorus is its biggest strength, but its genius lies in its details—the synthesizer mimicking a police siren at the song’s beginning, the way Phil Wright whispers the first stanza, the Oi!-like chants, and that “Nana naaa nana naaaa nana naaaa na naaaa” at song’s close will always gladden my heart. “The Night Chicago Died” puts you right there on the East side of Chicago, despite the fact there is no East side of Chicago. Paper Lace could have really used a fact checker.
Before we delve into the sappy saga that is “Billy Don’t Be a Hero,” a few facts on its convoluted history. Two versions of the song were released within months of one another in 1974, one by Paper Lace and the other by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods. The Paper Lace version was released first and scored big in the UK. The Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods’ version, on the other hand, went to the top in the U.S. of A. I prefer the Bo Donaldson version, which is the one I grew up listening to. Make of that what you will. I could either be prone to nostalgia or a Brit-hating snob still fighting the Revolutionary War.
The song’s storyline is pretty straight-up. As girl’s husband to-be heads off to war she tells him to throw himself into the nearest foxhole, keep his “pretty head low,” and let the war fend for itself. But Billy’s pretty head has nothing in it, and he can’t resist volunteering for a dangerous assignment and gets said pretty head blown off. And rather than weeping when she gets the letter informing her of Billy’s demise, Billy’s disgusted fiancé tosses it in the trash. And who can blame her? Ask a guy to do one simple thing, and what do you end up with? A headless guy. The song itself is as irresistible. From its whistle-along opening and join-in hand claps to sing-along-or–die chorus it’s a pure shlock masterpiece whose only touch of “real” pop artistry is a melody line copped straight from Harry Nilsson’s “Everybody’s Talkin’.”
What else do we have? Nada, pure filler, a crowd of cringing 98-pound weaklings of the sort you kick sand on at the beach. That is unless you count their okay cover of the Sugar Bears’ “Love–You’re a Long Time Comin’,” which like the Sugar Bears’ other four songs were only to be found as cardboard cutouts on the backs of boxes of Post Cereal’s Super Sugar Crisps. Of course the Sugar Bears were a band of imaginary bears. Paper Lace were (or is, I should say—they’re still lurking around out there) is frighteningly real.
Less interesting are Paper Lace’s lukewarm cover of John Kincade’s “Dreams Are Ten a Penny,” a musical mule born of a mating of The Beatles’ “We Can Work It Out” and Lobo’s “Me and You and a Dog Named Boo.” Then there’s another anti-war song in the shape of Al Martino’s “Mary in the Morning,” this one sung from the perspective of the guy about to get his head blown off.
They also toss in a second rate cover of second rate English crooner Tony Christie’s “I Did What I Did for Maria,” which like R. Dean Taylor’s “Indiana Wants Me” is about a guy running from the law in the wake of a revenge killing. Only problem is “I Did What I Did for Maria” is no “Indiana Wants Me.” And how could it be? The damn song doesn’t even die in a hail of gunfire.
On their icky cover of Vanity Fare’s “Hitchin’ a Ride” (entitled Hitchin’ a Ride ‘74″) Paper Lace abandons the direct rock edge of the original in favor of, well, vaudeville, and shitty vaudeville at that. The band’s sole original, “Love Song,” is pure Schager Musik featuring the warbling vocals of Phil Wright, while the only redeeming feature of their cover of Brian Hyland’s “Sealed With a Kiss” is the “where did that come from?” freak guitar of Mick Vaughan. As for their cover of Fred Astaire’s “Cheek to Cheek,” you have to admire the lads’ audacity. Admiring the song itself is sheer madness.
If it were up to me the LP’s title would be And Other Bits of Chum, because the good will Paper Lace garnered with “The Night Chicago Died” and “Billy Don’t Be a Hero” they frittered away on this one. Do yourself a favor. Buy the singles. And find yourself an antique box of Super Sugar Crisps and cut out “Love–You’re a Long Time Comin’.” Because believe me, that cardboard cereal box isn’t half as cardboard as And Other Bits of Material.
GRADED ON A CURVE:
D+
