Don’t believe the non-hype. The Blue Orchids were (and remain) a British niche group at best, noteworthy primarily because vocalist/guitarist Martin Bramah was a founding member of The Fall (he would rejoin the band briefly in 1989 in time to record Explicate and be sacked the following year during a tour of Australia). Similarly, keyboardist/vocalist Una Baines played in The Fall’s first lineup. This gives the Blue Orchids the kind of hip cache (and not just amongst Fall fanatics) you can’t buy, and it didn’t hurt that the Blue Orchids had the honor of serving as Nico’s backing band in 1982.
John Peel thought enough of the Blue Orchids to record some Peel Sessions with them, which you can find on the 2003 compilation From Severe to Serene. And Dave Thompson, whose 2003 book A User’s Guide to the Fall will tell you more than you ever wanted to know about the Fall but which is none the less endlessly entertaining, called their debut single (“The Flood”) “one of the glories of 1980.”
None of which means much, because I have met the Blue Orchid’s 1982 debut LP The Greatest Hit (Money Mountain) and it’s a huge letdown. A couple of decent tunes, lots of neo-psychedelia fueled primarily by Baines’ organ along with some slightly spikier stuff, but in general a relatively feckless effort sunk by Bramah’s weak and tuneless vocals. The guy cannot sing. And while I’m generally a big fan of folks who cannot sing (Jim Dandy Mangrum is God) but there are singers who can’t sing but who mesmerize you with their inability to sing (see Mark E. Smith) and then there are singers who can’t sing and shouldn’t be allowed near a microphone. Bramah falls into the latter category.
Enervated—that’s the word I would use to describe most of the songs on The Greatest Hit (Money Mountain). Bloodless and meandering track follows bloodless and meandering track, and even on the strongest of them (“Low Profile” is the best) Bramah is there to stick the dagger in them with his minging caterwaul. The Fall sounded like they needed practice and that was part of the genius of The Fall. The Blue Orchids sound like they needed practice and there’s no genius involved. They just come off as a band that needed practice. “If you’re going to play it out of tune, then play it out of tune properly,” said Mark E. Smith. There’s a lesson there, and the Blue Orchids did not learn it.
The Blue Orchids remind me of Television in a way, the pastoral Feelies in another way, but they simply can’t put the pieces together. Opener “Sun Connection” unwinds, all intertwined guitars and organ, and it should be great but it isn’t. Frankly it’s a chore, listening to it, and the chore isn’t made any easier by Bramah’s desperate attempts to stay in tune. “Dumb Musician” almost works on sheer propulsion (the rhythm section pushes and pushes) and Baine’s organ drone, and even Bramah can’t completely ruin it, because he’s at least making an effort to emote, to project—he sounds frantic. “Tighten My Belt” is a slinky and slightly exotic instrumental with a cool guitar riff and some minimalist (but omnipresent) organ by Baines. It’s no life changer, but you might want to listen to it more than once.
“A Year with No Head” opens with a huge bass, then the guitar and organ come in and I think Doors circa 1972—it has their weird psychedelic drone going for it, and it’s a pity Bramah (who seems, I swear, to be doing a Tom Verlaine imitation) is there to damage it. “Hanging Man” is a psychedelic garage drone rocker complete with ? And the Mysterians organ, but it’s not a particularly good psychedelic garage drone rocker and every time Bramah opens his mouth I think “find a decent lead singer.” Because it might have made all the difference. When he aims for the high notes it hurts. When he doesn’t, lassitude prevails.
“Bad Education” opens with some fetching guitars and a pretty organ riff and you find yourself thinking “hit” until Bramah comes in singing, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m afraid I want your attention” and it’s horrible, the whole song is immediately ruined, and I found myself saying out loud, “Apology not accepted.” To hear him sing the words “Bad education” is sheer torture. He does some talking in there and it works, but the song doesn’t when it should have—there was nothing there to ruin it but Bramah.
I swear—listen to this album please! Am I wrong? Is Bramah really so lacking in charm, and when all is said and done such an energy vampire?
“Wait” is all Baines and some chugging guitar but it goes nowhere, and if you can get to the end of it what with Bramah’s atrocity vocals, I applaud you. “No Looking Back” has real push, a great melody, and the guitars are up front—although the organ comes through loud and clear—and is one of the better songs on the LP. Bramah, it needs to be said, does it no favors, but this IS a song that can be listened to more than once, especially when it explodes into the choruses and the guitars snarl at the end.
“Low Profile” features a moody organ opening before the Burundi drums kick in and the Blue Orchids go for the big drone, but it’s all for naught—Bramah simply isn’t up to the task. The C81 Cassette version is stronger, someone thought to disguise his vocals behind the clamor, and the song is far noisier. That’s the one you want and really is glorious, all drums and organ drone. Album closer “Mad as the Mist and Snow” has a fetching intro—the drums in particular produce a fine clamor—but the tempo is funereal and Bramah’s vocals will leave you hoping the funeral ends in a hurry. I’ve been to duller funerals, but this is the first where I wanted the guy delivering the oration to fall into the grave.
Other former Fall members formed some interesting bands—Adult Net (featuring former wife of Mark E. Smith) and Marc Riley and the Creepers being the most noteworthy—but The Fall is The Fall and none have come close to achieving The Fall’s legendary status. Many great musicians contributed greatly to The Fall’s greatness, but Mark E. Smith was the force who channeled their genius. The Blue Orchids are the proof. They simply don’t inspire, although they’ve gotten better over the years. Give them a listen. But keep your expectations low.
GRADED ON A CURVE:
D+
