Shoot your questions and tales of woe to Ms.Mixtape at msmixtape@thevinyldistrict.com and she’ll endeavor to unspool your personal and musical dilemmas in this spot each week. —Ed.
Q: I’m recently single after a longish relationship. I haven’t had much experience dating and would like to experience it. I don’t know how to do it, though. How do you date? Online dating? Speed dating? Asking for numbers at bars?
A: Yes. All of the above. Here are some pointers for each, along with soundtracks. Because your question doesn’t tell me much about who you are, I’m including many possible scenarios.
Dating in the Wild primer
Smile and Say Hi. I learned this when I worked at a big department store in high school, and Smile and Say Hi was rule #1 for preventing shoplifting and also being good at customer service. It will change your life, especially if you are a shy person normally. Most people will not think that you are weird for doing it, but you can alter to Make Eye Contact and Smile if you’re self conscious about your vocal chords. If you Smile and Say Hi and nothing happens, you’ve lost very little. If, however, the person you are targeting thinks you’re cute, you’ve opened the door for further conversation. You’ve also probably prevented shoplifting in your immediate vicinity.
Soundtrack: Whatever makes you smile. Right now, for me, that is the Traveling Wilburys, but I recognize that is probably super weird. The Smith Westerns have a song called Smile that is very nice. Brian Wilson has an album called Smile that is amazing. Showtunes are good.
Online Dating primer
Step 1: Know what you want. If you’re looking to get married, you’ll want to spend money on something that will require you to answer 40thousandmillion questions about how clean you prefer to keep your spatulas. (That isn’t a euphamism.) Those sites are trying to get you set up. For life. If you’re just looking to play, you can do that for free all over the internet.
Step 2. Attitude is everything. If you’re not having fun, every person on the internet will know. Anyone who sees your profile will get a glimmer, and anyone you go on a date with will pick up on your skepticism. Remember that they are also online dating. It’s OK. It might also help to approach online dating as practice for real-world dating, if you’re feeling unsure or unenthusiastic. Online dating is like doing practice interviews, except that if you knock it out of the park you might get to go home with someone, and there’s often a drink involved.
Step 3: Stop online dating. Don’t let online dating keep you from not-online dating. You can do many things at once, you clever human. Look for opportunity everywhere. Remember that your computer is not your only portal to dates.
Soundtrack: 100% Fun is the attitude you want to cultivate here, so the Matthew Sweet album of the same name is a good call.
Speed Dating primer
Ms. Mixtape’s (heteronormative, gender-stereotype-reliant) Speed Dating Theorem: Girls think speed dating is a funny thing to try, go in groups, and are there to drink and meet people and laugh. Guys think speed dating is a tactical maneuver, go alone, and are there to get dates/laid/a wife.
Based on this (admittedly very superficial) theorem, you get the following rules.
If you are a guy: Absolutely go speed dating, but do it like a girl. Go with friends and don’t be creepy. You will look SO GOOD compared to the other guys there who are, let’s face it, your competition.
If you are a girl: Maybe go speed dating, but be prepared. Look for events that have historically good gender balance. Check to see what the physical layout of the event will look like: If you’re expecting to be seated across a table from people and instead end up on benches next to them, you’re going to experience a lot of possibly unwanted shoulder-touching.
If you are a guy looking for a guy or a girl looking for a girl: I’ve failed you completely here and don’t even begin to know what speed dating looks like for you. I feel like it might be more fun? And less full of creepiness? I’d love to hear stories–do share!
Best practices: Use the bathroom right before the event starts, because if you have to get up and go in the middle, you’re making one person sit around and feel lame. Have some fun questions prepared in advance that are not, “What do you think love is?” or “What do you look for in a relationship?” Those questions are scary. Consider that Ms. Mixtape’s theorem is a generalization and that your experience might not fit in at all. Have fun. Bring throat lozenges because you will lose your voice.
Soundtrack: Any of the BLLLEEEEAAAUUURRRRGGHHH! compilations.
